Lovingly Pursuing the Family (Matthew 18:15-20)
Here’s my sermon from this past Sunday in Karis Church on biblical church discipline. You can listen to the audio here.
In a 2020 article, British writer Ben Sixsmith criticized what he called the “twist of Christianity trend.” You take mainstream culture, beliefs and commitments, and you add just a twist of Christian faith. This comes from people on both the left and the right, he says. You may layer a little bit of Jesus on the top. But otherwise, you look just like everyone else. He writes,
“So, if Christianity is such an inessential add-on, why become a Christian? I am not religious, so it is not my place to dictate to Christians what they should and should not believe. Still, if someone has a faith worth following, I feel that their beliefs should make me feel uncomfortable for not doing so. If they share 90 percent of my lifestyle and values, then there is nothing especially inspiring about them. Instead of making me want to become more like them, it looks very much as if they want to become more like me.” (Ben Sixsmith)
Ouch. The kingdom Jesus brought - and brings - causes its citizens to stand out. It makes us shine, as Peter described, like stars against a background of a dark sky. It makes us seem weird - as we try to live out teachings like we see here. And, as I mentioned last week, we need to make Christianity weird again. That is, if we want to honor the King and see His Kingdom spread.
What may seem the weirdest is what we learn at the beginning of chapter 18. Where Jesus says tells us, in verses 3 and 4, if we want to enter His kingdom, we have to live as little kids. And He also tells us how to truly be great. We have to be weak. We have to see our need for help. And perhaps the main way we receive that help, as “little ones,” is from our family - from brothers and sisters that will pursue us.
Last week, we saw our calling, the type of heart Jesus wants us to have. In verses 10 through 14, Jesus describes the love of our Father.
And He calls us to that same type of love. This morning, we’ll see our approach, a gameplan the Lord gives. How do we protect - how do we pursue - those of our family? We’ll look at that today, here in Matthew 18, verses 15-20. And there may not be anything that sounds as weird as what we read here. Let’s jump in.
The Situation: A Brother Sins
First, there is a situation Jesus lays out. He tells us what to do, as verse 15 puts it, “If your brother sins.” Now, of course, as elsewhere in Scripture, “brother” is used in a way that includes sisters, also. A sin comes to light. Jesus tells us how to handle it. Now this is a pretty normal situation. Right? It’s not unusual. If we’re living as family, if we’re being real with one another, we’ll see each other sin. We’ll sin against one another. Therefore, Jesus lovingly gives us these words. Sin among God’s people isn’t weird in a fallen weird. What’s weird is when we trust and obey what Jesus asks.
Now you may already notice and want to yell out, “Kevin, it says, ‘If your brother sins against you.’” We have thousands of manuscripts of our New Testament. There is no doubt what God wants us to hear. Some include the words “against you,” and some just leave them out. But I don’t think it matters. That’s because when one of us sins, it ends up impacting all of us. I love the way Jen Wilkin puts it:
“There is no such thing as noncommunal sin, and there is no such thing as noncommunal obedience. Personal sin always results in collateral damage, and personal obedience always results in collateral benefit.” (Jen Wilkin)
Now this isn’t a license to take everything personally. We definitely don’t need more reasons to get offended. It just means that sin or struggle by an arm or an eyeball ends up impacting the body as a whole. So it needs to be addressed.
But is that normally what happens in church? Uh, no. Usually, one of two things occurs. We first try to ignore it. And we walk away judgmental. We end up bitter. And most churches have this low-grade disunity resting just below the surface that flares up in all-out warfare. Therefore, Jesus shows us another way. Jesus tells us to lovingly pursue our brothers and sisters in His way and His strength.
This is what’s been seen as the hallmark passage on church discipline. And that sounds really scary. Pretty weird, for sure. But I want you to realize, from our time today, that it’s actually really good. Discipline has often been divided into two types. With our families at home. With the family of God. There’s formative discipline. This is as we teach each other, or our children, what is true, good, and beautiful - and what’s not. This is our life together making disciples. We teach one another what it means, what it looks like, to follow after Jesus.
Now corrective discipline is a second category. That refers to what we do when we stray from Jesus. When we turn from His best for us. We move from forming disciples to correcting disciples. And both types of discipline are means God uses to protect us. They’re just what healthy families do.
Jesus here gives us a situation where a member of our church family sins, against us, or our community. And He tells us to correct that person. To confront our brother or sister. And with that, let’s look at the steps Jesus gives.
Our Responsibility: Pursuing Them in His Way
We see, second, here, our responsibility. One of the last couple of weeks, I was joking with Laura about where her kids were. Miles and Lucy, she said, might be out in the parking lot. To which I responded, “Hopefully they’re not running down the Business Loop right now.” Now obviously Bobby and Laura weren’t going to let that happen. They knew the rest of us had their back, also.
The Lord calls His followers “little ones” here in Matthew 18. And we’re called as a family to keep each other safe. We’re not going to let each other run into traffic. We’ll risk our own safety to pull them away from cars. And that’s what Jesus is talking about here.
Jesus gives some steps. There’s a progression to them. But He doesn’t provide a timeline. There are really four steps here. And the Lord doesn’t say, “Work on step one for a week, step two for a month” and so on. There’s nothing of the kind. Much wisdom is required. And lots of prayer and grace. If one of us strays - in conduct or belief - and we run toward danger, Jesus tells us to do the following.
Step one, first of all, is found in verse 15. Here is a second thing that often happens, when we see a brother or sister sin. We go talk about it with someone. We gossip. Sin - or what we think is sin - turns to sin inside us. And two wrongs don’t make things right. They hurt us. And the family of God.
Sure, we can couch it sometime as “sharing a prayer request” or “seeking out wisdom,” but we should call it what it is - gossip. And that again exacerbates the problem. And it pushes people apart.
But what does Jesus say? “Go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” Share your concern. Just you and her alone. Don’t talk to someone else. This keeps rumors from rumbling. And misunderstandings from multiplying. And let me say, if someone comes to you, and begins to gossip about another brother, stop that person immediately. Recall these words of Jesus. And tell him to go approach that person. We want to obey what Jesus says, right? But it’s for our good. Who wants to be a part of a family where people are gossiping about each other all the time?
Well, you lay out your concern. And what’s the goal? That your brother or sister “listens to you.” That they hear your appeal. And if you’re right, their heart is moved. Toward repentance and faith. That’s the goal. And if that happens, Christ says, “You have gained your brother.” Relationships are restored. Between that family member and Jesus. Between him or her and you, and the rest of the body.
And that brings us to the first of three big reminders I want you to hear from this passage. The first is this. Church discipline is not about condemnation but restoration. We approach one another in love. Picture Gandalf the Gray, saying to Frodo, “I’m not trying to rob you (or hurt you), I’m trying to help you.” Our goal is to rescue our brothers and sisters from getting hit by cars - not to yell at them for playing in the street. Our goal is love. And our manner has to fit with that goal. We have to approach them with humility and love. Seeing ourselves as sinners, every bit as much. Praying as we go. Gently seeking to show them their sin.
But I’d also challenge you, when someone comes to you, that you prayerfully listen with humility. If we really believe the gospel, and what Christ did on the cross, then we know He’s paid for our sins. And His righteousness is ours. We don’t have to prove ourselves. We don’t have to be defensive. We can listen.
But back to step one. Again, these conversations happen all the time in a church that’s healthy. We don’t walk around picking at one another. But we’re living so close to one another, that things just come up, and we address them then - before things get out of hand. If that’s the culture of our community, Karis, we’ll all be healthier. And we’ll rarely have to move on to the next step.
What we see in these verses are concentric circles. The involvement starts out small and narrow. It gradually widens. The group involved gets bigger. But here, it’s just you and the person. And after all, maybe you’re wrong. And then you’ve kept yourself from spreading falsehood. And if the sister hears you and turns from her sin, there’s no need for the circle to widen.
With that, let’s move to step two, found in verse 16. Jesus says, “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” Drawing from Deuteronomy 19:15, Jesus tells us only then to grab two or three others. Why? Not to give testimony to the sin itself. They’re going along to help with the appeal, and to see how the brother responds. Again, the circle involved is still pretty small. And there’s another reason they come along. They hold you accountable, too. They listen to you - your content and your tone. Again, the goal is that the person would listen. That you’d “gain” back your brother and sister.
Here’s something I’d really challenge you toward. Join a church, as I harped on last week. Surround yourself with people that you’re committed to trust. And if that circle of folks - if they ever approach you with a concern, commit right now that you’ll listen to them. Tell yourself, “I asked these people to hold me accountable, to pursue me, to love me well. Maybe I need to hear them.” This is God’s grace - to you and me - to give us a family. To keep us from running into harm.
But it may be that our hearts are hard, and we want nothing of it, and we need that circle to widen out even more. Look, then, at step three, found in the first half of verse 17. The Lord says, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” Maybe you’ve heard of horror stories like this. A young, unwed mother is brought up on the platform. She’s cowering in shame. And she’s harshly condemned. And she’s kicked out of the church, there for everyone to see. That is NOT what these words are talking about. Not at all.
No, Christ is telling us to involve the body as a whole. To get more people on board calling this person back to safety. Again, for their good. To try to bring them back. Not to beat them down. Now this doesn’t mean that everyone immediately gets involved. If someone reaches out to you, that you’ve never even met, it might not be that helpful. But it’s important to broaden things out, and invite members with a relationship, to join in on the appeal. And the family as a whole can start praying.
We do this because the person still won’t listen. And that brings up the second important reminder I want you to hear. Church discipline isn’t about weakness, but arrogance. The church doesn’t bring the hammer down on people who are broken, on people who are struggling. That’s not discipline. That’s abuse. I heard Michael Lawrence, a pastor in Oregon, talk about how weakness isn’t a discipline issue. It’s a discipleship issue.
We can provide the wrong cure. Because we misunderstand the disease. And end up doing more harm than good. We’re all weak. We all need help. As we’ve been saying, week after week. But sometimes we’re especially having a hard time. Maybe physiological and mental health things are in play. And we don’t need corrected. But rather, embraced. Pulled out of the road and guided down the sidewalk.
Did you notice again, how many times the word “listen” is used in this passage? Four by my count. The brother or sister - now here in step three - will not listen. They’re proud. They’re stubborn. And the hope is that the Spirit would use a chorus of voices to wake the brother up. That a song of love would break through a cold, hard, heart.
Let’s move on to the fourth and final step, found in the rest of that verse. Christ says, “And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Now, Matthew’s audience he had in mind was primary Jewish. And what was a “Gentile” or a “tax collector” to the people of Israel? Well, a person hostile to God. A person outside of the people of God. In other words, a non-believer.
Here, I think, is Jesus’s point. If someone won’t listen to his brother or sister, or a small group of brothers and sisters, or even the local church as a whole - if he - or she - won’t listen to the Holy Spirit speaking through them - then it’s hard to think of that person as a Christian. Right? So Jesus says, in that final step, you treat him or her as an unbeliever.
Ok, then, what would that mean? You start treating them poorly? Of course it doesn’t. How do we treat non-Christians? We share the gospel with them. Right? We’re kind to them. Yes!
But historically, and I think for biblical reasons, this has been understood as the point of excommunication, where a man or woman is removed from membership in the church. They can still come on Sundays and hear God’s word. But the Lord’s Supper is cut off from them. And we can’t act like nothing has happened. Our relationships with that person simply have to change. And our communication with him from that point forward consists almost exclusively of pleading that he would come back.
Now you may bristle at that. But have you considered that even a drastic step like that could be for that person’s good? Did you ever try to run away as a kid? Maybe you’re 7 years old. You’re sick of mom and dad. You load up your Thomas the Tank Engine backpack and you head out the door. But as you start down the road, you realize what you’ve done. You’ve got no money. No place to stay. You sheepishly, tearfully come back up the steps.
There’s this perplexing terminology Paul uses elsewhere in the New Testament. Where he’s talking about discipline and in a case that’s really public. That starts out - from the gate - right in step three. Paul tells the church in Corinth how to handle a very immoral, extremely arrogant man. He tells them to “deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Cor. 5:5).
Someone is removed from the safety and protection of the church. Their membership is revoked. They’re excommunicated. And they’re allowed to experience life out in the world again - under the realm of Satan. And the hope, the prayer, is that they’ll see what they’ve done. They’ll wake up. And they’ll return. Back to mom, to dad, to their brothers and sisters. To hot meals. A warm bed. True, so often this just doesn’t happen. And we have to trust the Lord in these cases. But sometimes they do respond. We’ve seen in happen - here in Karis - and it’s beautiful.
And here’s what’s so important. Even in that final step, the goal is still restoration. As Paul puts it, you hand someone over to Satan why? “So that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.” That the person won’t fully, finally be condemned. But will come back to God, back to His people, before it’s too late.
Now I don’t know if I should have to clarify this. But this should make us really sad. I once had a friend - another pastor - that seemed to take a lot of joy in doing church discipline. Sadly, he ended up getting disciplined himself. We shouldn’t be happy about it and self-righteous about it. Not at all. But we should do it out of obedience - and do it with hope.
I again think it’s helpful to imagine ourselves if this should ever happen to us. We get sideways in our heads. Our hearts get really hard. And suddenly the church is coming toward you, calling you to return. And it’s making you mad. And you’re pretty embarrassed. But maybe this passage comes to mind. And you remember how you’ve been loved. But doubts threaten to push them out. And you think, “Nah, I could never do that. Plus they wouldn’t forgive.” I pray right now, that another truth would flood into your heart. If these people trust God enough - and love me enough - to follow these really hard steps, then I have to believe they’d truly take me back. Don’t believe those lies. Let yourself be restored. Don’t keep on fighting.
And that leads to my third and final big reminder about this passage. Church discipline isn’t about sin. It’s about rebellion. If you and I got excommunicated for sin, there wouldn't be anyone left. As Martin Luther once explained it, the Christian life is all about repentance. We stumble. We fall and fail. We call out for grace. We get up in faith and go at it again. You’ll never get removed from church - from one trying to follow Christ’s words, at least - for being a sinner, but for being a rebel. For refusing to listen, for refusing to repent.
But even then, the hope is this: that the rebel will hear God’s Spirit, spoken through His people, and repent, return, and be restored. Now those are the steps Jesus gives to keep us safe. Those are our responsibility as His people, the church.
Our Assurance: Pursuing Them in His Strength
But, thanks be to God, that that’s not all Jesus says. We also see our assurance, as we seek to live out His commands. Doesn’t this sound tough? But we have His strength. Now I can’t spend much time here. But will just try to get to the point. They’re words that may sound familiar from Matthew chapter 16.
But let’s hear verses 18 through 20 here in chapter 18 again:
Matthew 18:18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
Three quick things - one for each of these verses - and then one overall point. Jesus first says that we have His authority as we practice church discipline. This talk of binding and loosening, there in verse 18 - it seems to say that the church has been given authority. To say who’s bound by sin. And who is loosed - or forgiven. And not just because we say that’s the case.
As many have pointed out, the construction of the verbs here should probably be understood as “whatever you bind on earth [shall have been] bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth [shall have been] loosed in heaven.” When we rely on the Spirit, and obey Jesus here, we’re carrying out what God has already done. We have that kind of authority.
Jesus second says that we have His power as we practice church discipline. Verse 19. This isn’t saying, “Get a couple of Christians together. Ask God for something - really anything - and the Lord’s obligated to say yes.” No, this is saying, in this context - as we follow Christ’s steps - and we ask Him to work, that He’ll show up. That His power will be with us. That He’ll hear our prayers.
Jesus third says that we have His presence as we practice church discipline. Now you’ve probably heard this in worship. Christians are here together. Therefore, Christ has to show up. Again, we have to read this in the context of what has come before. As Christians obey Jesus here, from step one to the end, Jesus promises His presence. “God with us” who’ll be with us “to the end of the age” is here, also. And that truth gives us hope.
So what’s the overall point? We have this assurance, these promises, as we seek to carry out these steps. He doesn’t leave us alone. We can act with His authority. We can rely on His power. We can count on His presence.
Here’s what Jesus is inviting us into: courage to keep His words with compassion and the confidence that He won’t leave us high and dry. These words are hard. But He asks us to trust Him. To show our brothers and sisters love. To love them in really difficult ways. And to have the assurance that He’ll be there every step of the way.
The Reason
Before I wrap up, I want to talk a bit more about the reasons for these words. Why? Of course, at one level, the answer is simple: because Jesus says so. This is talking about confronting sin. But did this occur to you? To not live this out is sin, also. But let’s think even deeper about the why. Some reasons.
First, for that brother and sister. People object, “How can this be loving?” But that’s the very purpose of it all. Proverbs says if you don’t discipline your kids, it’s not love, it’s hatred. And it’s the same way among the church. We do this out of love. To call people back.
Second, for you and your family. Imagine taking your family to the newest Pixar film. And all the doors get locked. And the lights get turned down. And you realize there are a lot of unhealthy people in that place. A lot of weapons. A whole lot of rage. And people are going to get hurt. No discipline in the church? Everybody does what they want. Your family won’t leave unscathed. And your kids may never want to return.
Third, for the church as a whole. As we practice these words, people see the danger found in sin. And it keeps evil from seeping in - and spreading around - the church. Think of discipline like an immune system. Without it, the body gets really sick. And it just might die. These words serve the health of the church.
Fourth, for the world that watches. How many times have you heard stuff like this? “I don’t want to go to church. They’re all hypocrites. I know a deacon there who’s sleeping with his secretary. There’s an elder there who embezzled from my boss.” Sure, we’re all sinners. So there’ll always be sin. But ignoring these words is a big reason why those stories are so common. Jesus tells us to take those situations head-on. To fight to keep His church pure. Otherwise, the world simply won’t begin to listen. Christ’s commands also serve the church’s growth.
Fifth, for the glory of God. As the church walks in holiness, and looks like Him, it brings God glory. When the church disregards what He says, and looks just like the world, it shouts out to all who can see, “God doesn’t change anything. The gospel message is a joke.” And the world doesn’t praise Him. They blaspheme Him. Many years ago, a man named John Dagg said, “When discipline leaves a church, Christ leaves with it.” God won’t be mocked. For His glory, we must obey Jesus here. As Christ’s bride looks radiant, she reflects - she refracts - the glory of God for all creation to see.
My family just got a new puppy, and I think we’ve just about gotten him potty-trained. Recently a neighbor told me about this dog training seminar, where the lady, a vet and Mizzou professor said, “If your doggie ever goes on the floor, go grab a newspaper, roll it up tightly, take it and… start hitting yourself hard on the back and say, ‘Bad dog owner. You have to do much, much better.” If we look around and we see a mess, in the church in America today, maybe we need to look in the mirror. And repent and do what He asks.
Bobby Jamiesen puts it this way:
“Without church discipline, sin wins. It fractures fellowship. It sows bitterness and division. It chokes the life out of churches. But God, in the gospel, doesn’t let sin win. He forgives its penalty. He breaks its power. He restores what it stole and heals what it broke. To rebuke sin and extend forgiveness is to push back the darkness that threatens to extinguish the light of the gospel in someone’s heart. It’s to hack at the roots of evil which try to strangle the life out of the church.” (Bobby Jamiesen)
But there’s actually one big why we just can’t forget. We don’t want to practice this, just out of fear - of the bad that might come about. Instead, it should flow from joy - in the good we already have. The ultimate reason to live this out? His great love. Remember, the verses that came before. We have a Father who has rescued us and who won’t let us go. Out of love for Him, let’s also run after our brothers and sisters. Let’s be instruments of His love in the lives of those around us.
Membership and Discipline
One last topic, I really have to hit. Last week, I talked about membership - and how needed it is for us. But discipline doesn’t really make sense without it. When we join a church, we ask to be held accountable. We promise other Christians that we’ll pursue them - like we see here. We ask those believers - to also run after us.
We covenant with one another to keep each other safe. “If I’m ever drunk in sin, please take away my keys.” We come together in community, where we walk in the light. We have hard conversations. We help each other live holy before our God.
We don’t practice these things with those that don’t yet believe. We don’t have expectations of those who don’t follow Jesus. That’s why we can - and should - always welcome those who aren’t yet Christians into our life together as a church.
But we have this boundary - of membership - for those who love the Lord and want to be helped in living life for Him. It’s represented by the diagram on the screen. The church isn’t a box, where everyone has to fit, or they’re not welcome to come. It’s also not without boundaries, where we can all do and think what we want. No, it’s the graphic in the middle. We’re pointing everyone to Jesus. Everyone is welcome. But there’s this group in the middle. Committed members. Who seek to believe and live a certain way. And ask for help staying true to those things. It’s to those members - and those alone - that Christ’s words here apply.
Keeping Christianity Weird
Now to return to where I began. Certainly at first hearing, church discipline sure sounds weird. But I want you to consider: is it really? You’re a part of the Sierra Club. And you walk in and say, “Fracking, schmacking. I’m building a coal mine right on my farm.” You might be asked to leave. Or if you’re in the College Republicans and you start rapping about Karl Marx, things will get awkward. If neither of those organizations removes you from their membership, it threatens the integrity of that group. It threatens their unity. Their mission is compromised. My wife once joined a PTA and suddenly found herself the president. The outgoing lady had just embezzled all their funds. They just couldn’t let her stay.
Confrontation happens all over the world. Yet how do we see it usually done? With insults and fists and not patience and love. Coworkers gang up on others all of the time. People get canceled. People get doxxed. They’re removed when they no longer line up with an organization’s values. Or they betray the trust of the members of that group. Folks get fired. They get fined.. They get shunned. Or shamed. But it’s usually done out of self-interest or pride.
Here’s what’s really weird. People willing to forgo their comfort. To fight through their fear. To truly love. Caring enough to confront your brother or sister. Now that’s weird. But it’s also beautiful. And if we’ll really admit it, no matter how scary it may sound, it’s really what we all want. We all know we’re kids. And we want a family who truly cares. Who won’t let us get run over by cars.
Sure, this pushes against all our world believes. Where we’re taught to be free. And to leave others alone. But deep down, we want to be known and loved. We want to be safe. We want others to care. We know we need help. And we know love is far more than saying, “You go and do you.”
Jesus commands us to lovingly pursue our brothers and sisters in His way and His strength. And when we trust and obey Him, we’ll find ourselves blessed.
Darren will walk us through a Psalm next week. But when we get to Matthew again, in the verses that follow, we’ll look at a famous parable, that of the unmerciful servant. And we’ll take the weirdness to an even higher level. When we are sinned against, we forgive. And that’s becoming more and more unusual in our culture today. Let’s pray.